


Trauma

by Bexinthecity247



Category: Bodyguard (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Emotional, F/M, PTSD, Trauma, julia struggles with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21901186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bexinthecity247/pseuds/Bexinthecity247
Summary: Julia has struggle dealing with her feelings, leading to angst.
Relationships: David Budd/Julia Montague, David/Julia
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67
Collections: LavenderBudd Fic Exchange





	Trauma

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deathstar1210](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathstar1210/gifts).



> Merry Christmas all!

The cameras and journalists  were already in her face before she ha d stepped onto the street and it wa s like a relentless assault on every one of her senses. A flash fire d and David’s hand  went to her back, guiding her through the overwhelming crowd. 

“Home secretary, home secretary! When were you going to...people of …affair with ….” the words shouted at her  were  swallowed by several journalists vying for her attention and there  was  David, more boyfriend than bodyguard since his reassignment,  s t ill t rying to meander her through the sea. 

She  was  suddenly, overwhelmingly aware that every paper in Britain will have their picture on the front page with some equally sexist and ageist headline that w ould  h ave h er wishing she could hide forever. 

But Julia Montague hides from no one.

“How do you deal with the age gap?”

His hand  caressed her back  and she fe lt a tightening  in her chest, forcing the air from her lungs.  All at once she could  smell and taste copper in the back of her throat like an angry reminder of everything she’ d suffered that year and she c ould feel the stain of red on her skin, her hands so vividly it  was like she  was  wearing satin gloves. She flinche d when he splay ed his fingers along her waist, moving away from him in such a subtle movement only he notice d . It  wasn’ t entirely sub-conscious, but she c ouldn’ t bear to turn her head to see the hurt and confusion she kn ew w ould  be in his eyes. 

She breathe d in.  This wasn’t  St Matthew’s. She ha d  survived but for what? To be reminded of it at every conceivable  turn? She shove d her shaking hands into her coat pockets, careful to bite her tongue in response to the idiotic, and quite frankly, offensive questions lobbied at her.

“Can you step back please?” she hear d David’s voice somewhere in the ether.

_ “WE NEED MEDICS!” his voice was  _ _ authoritative _ _ even when shaking and his hand hadn’t relinquished its grip on her arm. “AND GET THOSE PEOPLE BACK!!” He was shouting at the crowds of journalists who had been far back enough from the stage not to be caught up in the rain of debris, but whom were now  _ _ capitalising _ _ on the tragedy, their phones recording  _ _ amateur _ _ footage like  _ _ rubber- _ _ neckers _ _.  _

_ Julia was seeing spot lights across her eyes where the explosion had lit up the room like bonfire night and a trickling warmth on her temple made her dazed. Somewhere, deep beneath her shock, she knew there’d be a picture of her on the Daily Mail front page, bruised, bloodied and her bodyguard’s protective hold on her,  _ _ scrutinised _ _. _

And she’d been right of course. 

-x-

She avoid ed his glance all the way back to the hotel she  was  still having to reside in whilst this investigation  was  finished up, but she was  so restless she yearn ed for the comfort of her own home. He watche d her from the doorway, old habits dying hard; half bodyguard, half lover and just as conflicted, she both wishe d he’d leave, and stay forever. 

“I thought it would be different,” he sa id out of the blue and she lif ted her weary head up. She  was so  tired,  and still had a ton of work to do ;  she d idn't  have time to soothe his ego. But something about his expression stop ped her saying anything. She frown ed instead. “You and me. I thought...” he br oke off to deliver a dry, mirthless laugh, his hand undoing his top button. “I thought you meant it when you said you wanted this to be real.”

H is eyes were  were firmly on hers no w,  so  hard and cold it wa s painful to look at them . S he flicker ed her glance to the floor, busying herself with shedding her jacket and her heels. She want ed to tell him it’s not about them, him, that rather it was  about the things only she c ould see and feel. But she d idn’t know the words, so she doesn’t say them.

“I have a lot of work to do,” she sa id instead, bringing her eyes to meet his defiantly. 

He scoff ed , shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Fine,” he murmur ed  as he swe pt past her and she kn ew she had been  silly for thinking this could ever work. She watche d him, his muscular physique hidden beneath a smart black jacket. How ha d this evening gone to total shit? She wonder ed . He  stop ped at the door, back to her. “Look... if you’re not okay with being seen with me in public, then this isn’t going to work.”

The words  were heavy, laden with misunderstanding and agony and she trie d to take a step towards him, but her feet  kept her  glued to the floor, her heart sinking faster than their relationship.

“No,” she sa id  ruefully, willing him to turn around, to see the turmoil s he was  in; to see her drowning before his very eyes. But he d idn’t and she blinked back the wetness in her eyes  when he pulls the door open .

When it slam med behind him, it sounded like an explosion and she jumped, chest heaving until she c ould  control her panic. 

-x-

He  was  moody. 

David kn ew he  would be  poor company tonight ; he was right. He had been since he broke things off last month. She ha d n’t called him, he ha d n’t even attempted to try her, always managing to talk himself out of it at the last moment. But as he sip ped on his pint, he kn ew he  was  being watched like a hawk, his two friends goading the other to speak to him first.

“So... how’s the transfer going mate?” Kim  was finally the first to speak and he c ame to with a start, almost surprised  to find he was  surrounded by company.

“Desk duty for the foreseeable future. Not exactly a thrilling prospect,” he sa id dully. 

“What happened to SO15?” Back on safe ground, Tom chime d  in. 

“I have to wait until this shit with Jul-the home secretary is cleared up.” David look ed into his pint glass, trying to find the answers to questions he couldn’t speak.

The two friends tense d at the mention of their principal, watching his shoulders for signs of unease. Unfortunately for them, he  was always uneasy. He wonder ed how they will approach the topic of his failed romance, the one that has nearly seen the end of his career, and hers.

“So  er ...” Tom stumble d, and David wishe d he’d stayed at home. He ca ught  Kim’s eyeroll when she tut ted and lean t  in towards him.

“Listen mate, you’ve been a dick,” Kim sa id bluntly, and David snap ped his head up to look at her.

He was SO irritated, at her, at Julia, at himself. The world. 

“What?” He glare d at her, feeling Tom 's anxious glances rather than seeing them.

“Kim, I don’t think-”

“No, go on, say what you  gotta say,” David cut across him, replacing the pint on the table and folding his arms.

She roll ed her shoulders. 

“Listen... everyone knows what’s going on. We aren’t blind.”

“I really don’t  wanna hear this right-” David sa id  wearily, unfolding his arms to lift  the glass to his lips, letting the cool beer glide down his throat and soothe the rawness that c ame with screaming a little too much in the shower as you t hought about how fucked your life really  was.

“No, you probably don’t but you’re  gonna hear it anyway,” Kim sa id bluntly, and he resent ed her a little. 

“We all know what’s been happening with you and the principal, what happened back then and well... we all know now, and really, you’re being a dick. Just call her,” Tom butt ed in before Kim c ould do more damage and David s at back in his chair, jaw clenched, and they kn ew he wa s ready for a fight.

“I’m not calling her,” he said  darkly , and his friends exchanged glances that just pissed him right off. If they wanted to say something, just fucking say it! “She hasn’t called me so why the fuck should I call her?” 

“You really are that dense,” Kim sa id spitefully, shaking her head slowly and scoffing. If she wasn’t a woman, he might just- what? Leap across the table and strangle her? Just like he’d done to Julia once. The thought br ought stinging tears to his eyes, but he  swiped them away with a well-timed rub of his face. 

“If you’re just  gonna insult me, you might as well both fuck off, I was having a better time before you showed up,” David sa id , burying his glance in his glass. 

“We’re just trying to-” Tom start ed  and Kim scoff ed  bitterly.

“You ever considered anything beyond the end of your own nose?” she snap ped , and he look ed  up at her with a frown. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she’s going through some shit that you should understand, and help her through but instead you’re here, being a class a prick?!”

David’s frown deepen ed and something painful seize d in  his chest.

“What are you talking about?” he rasp ed against his sore throat, drink halfway between table and mouth.

He  didn’ t miss the sharp look Tom g ave Kim and coldness cre pt over his spine. 

"You maybe should just consider that not everyone can just walk away from something as traumatic as that bloody conference.” She  was  on her feet, pulling on her jacket and he stare d dumbly at her as Tom follow ed suit. “And if you tell anyone I divulged confidential information on the principal, I'll cut your bollocks off.”

Tom look ed apologetically at him as she storm ed out, but David  was too stunned to care they  had  left him, nor that he may have damaged his friendship with them. 

He stare d at the blank space opposite him before he jimmie d his phone out of his pocket and pull ed up her number, thumbing the picture of her that  comes up before he lift ed it to his ear. The monotonous ringing never g ave way to her voice and he hu ng u p instead, shoving the phone roughly back into his pocket before grabbing up his jacket and throwing a twenty next to the half-drunk beer. 

David ma de  his way across town and somehow  ended up outside the Blackwood without  realising how he got there. He linger ed  like a dodgy reprobate, stood across the road, a figure cut from darkness and hands in pockets as he imagine d her sitting at her desk, choosing to work long into the night instead of sleeping. So Julia!

A pang  struck across his chest as he approache d her security detail, showing his ID card even though they know who he  was and he travel led the bowels of the hotel he’ d almost come to think of as home the past few months but when he g ot to her door, he falter ed . What  was he even supposed to say? 

She d idn’t give him the option of preparation and the door pull ed open, her cold glance staring hard at him.

“What do you want?” Julia sa id and it st ung . But he deserve d it.

“I think we need to talk.” 

-x-

She let him in because despite her instinct to keep pushing him away, really, she want ed him around. 

She open ed her mouth, close d it again , avoided his glance avidly, somehow suddenly finding her nice rug, far more interesting than it had ever been.

“I wish you’d look at me,” he said, shattering the cool atmosphere. 

Julia was not a woman who let people tell her what to do and yet his voice commanded her into lifting her eyes to meet his. But she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing how hurt she was, so she fixed him with a cold, tilted glance. She simultaneously wanted to push him far away and pull him into her, tell him she needed him. 

But she was Julia Montague and so she let him hang himself with words of empty promises and apologies.

Instead, however, his eyes flicker and she knew he knows; could see beneath her mask, see the vulnerable edge in her eyes that she had tried hard to bury. He sighed, dropping his hands to his side.

“I wish you’d have just told me,” he said with a small shrug. His eyes were so sad and resigned, she clenched her jaw.

“Told you what?” she said, playing for time, the fight of flight instinct surging through her like hot water burning her skin. He closed his eyes, blew out a breath and dropped to one hip. He was tired of her evasiveness and for a moment, she envisioned him walking out the door and this time, in her little nightmarish fantasy, he would never return. The clock ticked between them, counting down the moments before she either had to accept him in or shut him out forever.

“I didn’t know what to say,” she said. His eyes opened wide as if surprised at her openness for the first time. She wasn’t sure if that irked her or not.

“You just say ‘I’m struggling, I need help’. That’s what you say,” he said, voice damaged, like the words were cloying in his mouth. She scoffed before she could stop herself.

“Right, and how would that look? The Home Secretary, the bitch of Westminster, afraid to leave the fucking house?” she snapped, hot tears pressing at her eyes.

“I don’t care how it looks!” He nearly screamed at her before dropping in tone. “I care about you.”

The rev e lation brought her glance  quickl y to his, heart beating out of control. But she said nothing, tried to counteract the shaking in her hands by fiddling with the edge of her shirt. What did she say to that? 

He sighed and she knew that he was fed up of her inability to communicate.

“I Just wish you’d trust me enough to talk to me,” he said with such defeat, pain pinched at every inch of her frozen body. She swallowed.

“I do trust  you, you know I do!” she argued, taking a step toward him. Perhaps if she could seduce him, he’d forget why he was mad. 

He took a step back. 

Perhaps not then. 

Rejection stung.

“ No , I don’t know that. How could I? You never talk to me! And you sure as hell don’t act like you do,” he said, tone clipped and distant. He suddenly felt like a stranger to her, someone alien and unknown and it was all her fault.

“David,” she said softly, eyes dropping to stare at the floor. She was so far out of her  comfort zone , she wanted to run and hide, scream at him, punch him. Or all three. “I don’t know how.”

The weakness in her voice made her grimace. She cleared her throat, preparing to square off against him.

“Roger and I … were never good... at talking.”

He only looked at her expectantly, like he was waiting for some big  rev ela tion . God why did he have to make this so fucking hard! 

“I love you,” she only said, almost by accident, the words tumbling out before she could stop them. She fiddled with her hands, twisting her fingers into uncomfortable positions. “And I do trust you. I do. I just … I don’t know how to – I trust you with my life, you have to know that.”

When her voice cracked, she was mortified, but she let the vulnerability shine through regardless. His gaze softened as he moved towards her, resting his forehead against hers. His hand went to her hair, tangling in the  loose curls  that she had allowed to grow in length since meeting him. It’s only then that she noticed she was gripping his shirt. 

“Sometimes I just need to hear it,” he whispered, nuzzling her hair and pulling her into his arms.

“I don’t know how to make it stop,” she murmured into his neck and his arms tightened around her. He didn’t say anything, just reinforced his presence by squeezing  her tighter. She dug her fingers into the hair at the back of his neck, clinging to the here and now.

“I’m not asking you to suddenly tell me your every thought and emotion, but I just need you to let me in, just a little bit. Enough for me to know you’re okay,” he said. She struggled to straighten out the thoughts in her head and when no sentences would form, she only said the words she had hardly ever meant.

“I’m sorry,” she said, muffled by his shoulder. He sighed against her ear and she nuzzled her face deeper into his neck. But it didn’t feel close enough. “I’m not okay, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

His hands soothingly stroked over her back and hair before settling between her shoulder blades. 

“We’ll make this okay, I promise,” he murmured, kissing the side of her head as she tightened her arms around his neck.


End file.
